


Take Me Out

by BlindSwandive



Category: Colbert Report RPF, Daily Show RPF, Fake News, Fake News RPF
Genre: Drabble, Fluff, Gen, Hockey is -so- gay, Jon and Stephen are self-slashing, Jon is a typical sports fan who likes all sports except doesn't really like hockey, M/M, Stephen got a hockey mascot, Wordcount: 100-1.000, dialogue only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 17:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10037297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlindSwandive/pseuds/BlindSwandive
Summary: Stephen calls Jon to ask him out to a hockey game. In his inimitable, self-slashing, Stephen-y fashion.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2006-ish after Stephen got a hockey mascot named after him (and only slightly modified for posting now). This can be read as slash or as not-any-more-slashy-than-they-were-on-a-nightly-basis gen. Feedback is love.

"You're kidding me, right? Hockey?"

"Jon, do you not even watch my show?"

"Of course I do. . . mostly, but. . . hockey?"

"Jon, we're in the hotbed of the American hockey world! You're practically on top of the Rangers, the Islanders. . . You grew up floundering in the midst of Devils, you could spit and hit a Flyer, and we're not even all that far, cosmically, from the Penguins. The Atlantic division is at our feet, Jon."

"I know, but. . . we're also on top of the Mets. The Metrostars. The Knicks, Stephen. Some of whom I could sit at home on the couch and watch, tonight, instead. And enjoy more. Without having to put on pants."

"Oh, really, Jon, the Knicks? Come on, think of the majesty of the ice! The superior physical conditioning! The hot stick-handling!"

". . . This is about you having a mascot, or something, right?"

"It was very flattering. . ."

"Right. . . .Wait, Stephen, you grew up in Charleston. What do you know about the majesty of ice? And did you say 'hot stick handling'? Tell me I misheard that."

"You heard right, Jon. And, you know, this is the Rangers we're talking about, Jags is _always_ fiddling with his stick. . . He'll stop mid-game, to go back to the locker room and--"

"--No, stop, I don't want to know. Nevermind."

". . . You know you want to come."

"Dude, I really don't."

". . .Don't you even want to hear about the wrap-arounds? The slashing? The guys who make the hard plays, every time? Don't you want to see the squads of Czech and Canadian brutes colliding, sharing kisses and grabass, after someone with soft hands and a good stick penetrates the slot, puts it between the pillows, slides it in through the goalie's five-hole on a one-timer? Once they've left that young, nimble thing spread-eagled on the ice, defeated and spent?"

". . . You do realize that's the gayest thing you've ever said."

"And one of the hottest. Jon, I've got _two_ tickets. . . I need you to come. You think I'm going to take my dear, impressionable wife--or, God forbid, one of my children--to some bacchanalian orgy on ice? To this pederast-tastic filth?"

"Oh my God, Stephen, pederas _tastic_?"

"You can't understand until you've seen the supple young waifs of the opposition, Jon! Barely legal, veritably babes - on - ice."

". . . Pick me up at six."

**Author's Note:**

> 90% of the terms Stephen uses that sound so damning? are used nightly in hockey commentary. Slashing, five-holes, calling leg pads "pillows," stick-handling, good hands, good sticks, hard sticks, long sticks, soft hands, wraparounds... Hockey is self-slashing, too.
> 
> The game in mind was the New York Rangers (who at the time had the legendary Jaromir Jagr) vs. the Pittsburgh Penguins (who had and will hopefully continue to have an absolute doll of a goalie named Marc-Andre Fleury, whose nickname is, I shit you not, "The Flower"--as well as Sidney Crosby, at the time called "The Kid," and whose lips were actually being described in the media as "beestung;" see what I mean?)
> 
> At the time, I believed I had coined the term "pederastastic." I found one other record of it on the web on a very snarky blog that has since closed. But considering 7 billion people in the world and one other record, I feel I can reasonably call coinage.


End file.
